There is one particular sin I've struggled with the most, it literally is the thorn of my side, like Paul had but just looks a little different. If you know me well, you know what sin I am talking about. This sin has haunted me from a very young age, it took root in childhood when I was most helpless and unaware and took away my innocence. It then showed itself again at the age of 15 with a trusted leader and friend of mine at the time. Although I am a vulnerable person, I will leave this sin unnamed for your sake and mine. So that both you and I understand fully that sin is sin and therefore it is all measured by the same standard.
I believed this sin was a form of love and that it was the only way I could receive love and worth from those that I trusted. It followed me year after year after year as I gave myself over to it more and more, eventually hoping to become numb to the voice and to the Word that taught against it. It was what I desired, it's what made ME happy and it's what made ME feel loved, so how could it be bad?
It was all about ME.
The Holy Spirit and I wrestled from the moment I allowed this sin to get out of control. His voice never left my side all those years. He was only silent when I choose to fully immerse myself in this sin. I did not hear his voice after, I only heard the voice that led me into the sin. Except now it taunted me and filled me with overwhelming guilt and left me in tears for days.
Then came sweet conviction. Before fully knowing the love of Jesus I only saw the law and God's anger along with His finger pointing, accusing and shaming me. Little did I know, it was an illusion of God. It wasn't long after, when I was 18 years old that I had a great revelation of God and His love and above all, that He was my Love and because of it, I was fully free.
I would like to say Happily Ever After, that's it, I learned my lesson and stepped out of my sin. Little did I know that road out would be a long one and an intense refining of all that I believed. I came into a season of this sin in which God gave me over to it. He is not a God who fights us or forces us to choose Him or His way. No matter how desperately jealous He is for us, He is a God who keeps to his promises and He promised us our free will. So I left Him for this sin. I mean, I was still a Christian and I "loved" Him but you know, felt like it was time I called the shots to what I thought would fulfill my great emptiness. I began a descent into darkness, I struggled with depression and felt filthy. I would sit on my bed crying, yelling at God to leave me alone because I was determined that He could never want who I'd become.
I can see Him now in that small bedroom, standing next to the door, heartbroken but steadfast. He was not leaving, He was not moving, He was determined to meet me as I was, whether I liked it or not. He said nothing and in it, He said it all. I had lost that battle, Amen.
Eventually I choose Him. Walking out of this sin that had crippled me for so long was painful. It exhausted me as cancer exhausts its captors and brought me to my knees in my frailty. It's as if I was trying to rehabilitate my whole body after a life threatening crash and I now walked on broken bones in the hope that through this pain, healing would come. What this sin had numbed and let die, I had to walk out so that life would spring out of these places again.
I have recently dealt yet another battle with this sin and yes, it beat and battered me as I gave into its ways but I know I gave it a run for its money this time around. I've begun to come into a place where both my spirit and flesh no longer desire it. Little sprouts of new desire came up out of what I thought was dead soil. Desire and delight for His will have begun to bloom.
As I said earlier it intensely refined all I believed, my body, soul and spirit. Not because the sin itself was being removed, no, it was because the LARGE amount of grace I received in the midst of this battle that raged for years. I have many sins besides this one but no other sin has brought me to His throne as much as this one. No other sin has forced me to turn to Him for help when I thought I could repair the damage myself. No other sin has humbled me to the ground and shown me how utterly weak I am and caused me to rejoice in my weakness. No other sin has hurt so many people and forced me to form an unwavering kinship with forgiveness. No other sin has caused me to look upon people with relentless grace, mercy and love.
I no longer walk on broken bones. As a matter of fact I dance upon His strength for I know that though I haven't seen full redemption in the physical, I have been redeemed and it's manifestation in the natural is arriving soon. I will explode with joy when I have seen full victory from this sin. Mostly because I know that I have grown to a place where I won't need my sins to show me His grace; His grace will have become more natural to me and will be taught to me in a different way.
In conclusion to this testimony, I say that if you have given yourself over Him, His Word and the voice of His Spirit then it is impossible for you to dwell in sin and be okay with what God has deemed as a sin because His Spirit in you rejects it completely. One cannot dwell in death unless they have allowed the world to numb them to it. If He is your Love then His pain will pierce you because the sin you've given yourself over too has distanced you from Him. If you know Him, you will know what is an a illusion of Him and what is really Him, for His sheep know His voice.
I am not a fan of judgement. For as you can clearly see I, in no way have reached the criteria to be called Judge. Instead I want to be a David. A man who knows his weakness but understood His strength came from knowing he stood at the center of the Lord's love despite all that he was. I wanna be a David in that, if something in me does not line up with the Word of God I declare war on it until it's under my feet. "Search me O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting,"(Pslam 139:23-24). He knows you. He is not fooled and He is not disgusted. He only yearns to be closer, will you let Him?
I believed this sin was a form of love and that it was the only way I could receive love and worth from those that I trusted. It followed me year after year after year as I gave myself over to it more and more, eventually hoping to become numb to the voice and to the Word that taught against it. It was what I desired, it's what made ME happy and it's what made ME feel loved, so how could it be bad?
It was all about ME.
The Holy Spirit and I wrestled from the moment I allowed this sin to get out of control. His voice never left my side all those years. He was only silent when I choose to fully immerse myself in this sin. I did not hear his voice after, I only heard the voice that led me into the sin. Except now it taunted me and filled me with overwhelming guilt and left me in tears for days.
Then came sweet conviction. Before fully knowing the love of Jesus I only saw the law and God's anger along with His finger pointing, accusing and shaming me. Little did I know, it was an illusion of God. It wasn't long after, when I was 18 years old that I had a great revelation of God and His love and above all, that He was my Love and because of it, I was fully free.
I would like to say Happily Ever After, that's it, I learned my lesson and stepped out of my sin. Little did I know that road out would be a long one and an intense refining of all that I believed. I came into a season of this sin in which God gave me over to it. He is not a God who fights us or forces us to choose Him or His way. No matter how desperately jealous He is for us, He is a God who keeps to his promises and He promised us our free will. So I left Him for this sin. I mean, I was still a Christian and I "loved" Him but you know, felt like it was time I called the shots to what I thought would fulfill my great emptiness. I began a descent into darkness, I struggled with depression and felt filthy. I would sit on my bed crying, yelling at God to leave me alone because I was determined that He could never want who I'd become.
I can see Him now in that small bedroom, standing next to the door, heartbroken but steadfast. He was not leaving, He was not moving, He was determined to meet me as I was, whether I liked it or not. He said nothing and in it, He said it all. I had lost that battle, Amen.
Eventually I choose Him. Walking out of this sin that had crippled me for so long was painful. It exhausted me as cancer exhausts its captors and brought me to my knees in my frailty. It's as if I was trying to rehabilitate my whole body after a life threatening crash and I now walked on broken bones in the hope that through this pain, healing would come. What this sin had numbed and let die, I had to walk out so that life would spring out of these places again.
I have recently dealt yet another battle with this sin and yes, it beat and battered me as I gave into its ways but I know I gave it a run for its money this time around. I've begun to come into a place where both my spirit and flesh no longer desire it. Little sprouts of new desire came up out of what I thought was dead soil. Desire and delight for His will have begun to bloom.
As I said earlier it intensely refined all I believed, my body, soul and spirit. Not because the sin itself was being removed, no, it was because the LARGE amount of grace I received in the midst of this battle that raged for years. I have many sins besides this one but no other sin has brought me to His throne as much as this one. No other sin has forced me to turn to Him for help when I thought I could repair the damage myself. No other sin has humbled me to the ground and shown me how utterly weak I am and caused me to rejoice in my weakness. No other sin has hurt so many people and forced me to form an unwavering kinship with forgiveness. No other sin has caused me to look upon people with relentless grace, mercy and love.
I no longer walk on broken bones. As a matter of fact I dance upon His strength for I know that though I haven't seen full redemption in the physical, I have been redeemed and it's manifestation in the natural is arriving soon. I will explode with joy when I have seen full victory from this sin. Mostly because I know that I have grown to a place where I won't need my sins to show me His grace; His grace will have become more natural to me and will be taught to me in a different way.
In conclusion to this testimony, I say that if you have given yourself over Him, His Word and the voice of His Spirit then it is impossible for you to dwell in sin and be okay with what God has deemed as a sin because His Spirit in you rejects it completely. One cannot dwell in death unless they have allowed the world to numb them to it. If He is your Love then His pain will pierce you because the sin you've given yourself over too has distanced you from Him. If you know Him, you will know what is an a illusion of Him and what is really Him, for His sheep know His voice.
I am not a fan of judgement. For as you can clearly see I, in no way have reached the criteria to be called Judge. Instead I want to be a David. A man who knows his weakness but understood His strength came from knowing he stood at the center of the Lord's love despite all that he was. I wanna be a David in that, if something in me does not line up with the Word of God I declare war on it until it's under my feet. "Search me O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting,"(Pslam 139:23-24). He knows you. He is not fooled and He is not disgusted. He only yearns to be closer, will you let Him?
