I am one week away from completing my junior year here at the University of Oklahoma. Although I should be writing a final paper right now, I instead find myself exploring pages and pages of friends and their blogs and pictures. If you haven't caught on, I am very ready to be out of school and procrastinating is my best expression for that feeling. This year was a good one. It was full of challenge filled with both pain and happiness.
We'll begin with the fact that I did indeed go to Morocco last year. It's simply way more beautiful than I ever imagined. From desert to ocean then city to the mountains, it has it all. A month there was just the right time before I was ready to come home. Home to the people that I could understand, that I found that I loved more than I realized. But as I came home and settled in, I was settling into an uneasiness. I had not left with a feeling that the Lord was calling me back to there or any part of the Arab world. I found the culture rich and enticing, a sight that my eyes will never let go of. However, I came home with a feeling of confusion and frustration. I did not love the people as I felt the Lord would want me too.
This was important to me because I strive to walk as much in the Lords foot steps as I know how too. However, I find often that I can be very far away from His foot prints and instead still find I am in my own.I don't always know how to love like the Lord does. And though I try to pour out what I have it's not like His living water, refreshing and satisfying. Mine is filled with selfish impurities and it can sometimes leave a bitter taste in someone's mouth. I don't want to give a people, a country or a cause my love but the Lords because it is truly good.
What I'm getting at, is that people always talk about being good people, and I consider myself a "good person." Yet I go through seasons where I step out of my own skin and I look at myself and I don't recognize the woman I see. She's a woman whose love does not freely flow, it is conditional. Her love only fits those that she deems "worthy." To those who aren't worthy, she moves past them as if she never saw them. That's who I see sometimes, and I think, "Where's Jesus Ariana?" As a human being I am prone to wander, away from the Savior that bore, any and all pain and temptation that I have ever felt. And the pain of those whom I have loved and will love and the world that I hope to love.
At this moment as a college student I have become consumed with studying, social events, career aspirations and materials of this world. This all has left little room for my time with the Lord and getting to know His love. I do go to church, however if I'm too busy it's the first off my list. I think well it's okay cause God can handle one or two Sunday mornings. That is true, God can handle that but what I don't realize is that I can't handle it. I cannot miss a minute without Him. Life with Him left behind is like "Lost", yes the television show. It's like you think you know where you're going but then before you know it, you've crashed on an island, with people you don't know and events that don't make sense and there's a black cloud that lurks the jungle, a polar bear and a French sniper all in the same place. Sorry if you have never seen "Lost" because then you wouldn't understand, but in short its bizarre and strange and all you wanna do is get back to home---Him.
The funny thing is, is that God can be bizarre. A year ago I wanted to travel the world and now the only place I can see myself right now is America and that's only because I live here. I'm switching my focus from the Middle East to Latin America and in the mean time I'm going to Thailand this summer. So the ironic thing in all of this is I am lost, with God. It's not exactly fun or comfortable. It's exciting at times and then other times I break down and cry wondering if I'm just completely missing my purpose with Him. Nevertheless, in this place I find His love. The love I hope to be a vessel of for the world, no matter what country I'm in or circumstance I come against. His love is worth more than life!
His love has given me amazing friends, women who lead me. A beautiful family and a great guy. It's given me the knowledge to write papers and the push to end the semester well. The funds to go to Thailand, the job I'd been hoping for. His love gives me identity and affirmation. It gives me peace in the path I can't see, and the future I don't know. His love is all I need, it is more than enough for this moment and I can't miss a moment without Him.
Verses to Memorize: Romans 8:38-39; John 14:12-14; Isaiah 55:8-9
Nothing can sparate me from His love
Ask for anything in His name and He will do it!
His thoughts are above my thoughts and His plans above my plans!
-Ari
We'll begin with the fact that I did indeed go to Morocco last year. It's simply way more beautiful than I ever imagined. From desert to ocean then city to the mountains, it has it all. A month there was just the right time before I was ready to come home. Home to the people that I could understand, that I found that I loved more than I realized. But as I came home and settled in, I was settling into an uneasiness. I had not left with a feeling that the Lord was calling me back to there or any part of the Arab world. I found the culture rich and enticing, a sight that my eyes will never let go of. However, I came home with a feeling of confusion and frustration. I did not love the people as I felt the Lord would want me too.
This was important to me because I strive to walk as much in the Lords foot steps as I know how too. However, I find often that I can be very far away from His foot prints and instead still find I am in my own.I don't always know how to love like the Lord does. And though I try to pour out what I have it's not like His living water, refreshing and satisfying. Mine is filled with selfish impurities and it can sometimes leave a bitter taste in someone's mouth. I don't want to give a people, a country or a cause my love but the Lords because it is truly good.
What I'm getting at, is that people always talk about being good people, and I consider myself a "good person." Yet I go through seasons where I step out of my own skin and I look at myself and I don't recognize the woman I see. She's a woman whose love does not freely flow, it is conditional. Her love only fits those that she deems "worthy." To those who aren't worthy, she moves past them as if she never saw them. That's who I see sometimes, and I think, "Where's Jesus Ariana?" As a human being I am prone to wander, away from the Savior that bore, any and all pain and temptation that I have ever felt. And the pain of those whom I have loved and will love and the world that I hope to love.
At this moment as a college student I have become consumed with studying, social events, career aspirations and materials of this world. This all has left little room for my time with the Lord and getting to know His love. I do go to church, however if I'm too busy it's the first off my list. I think well it's okay cause God can handle one or two Sunday mornings. That is true, God can handle that but what I don't realize is that I can't handle it. I cannot miss a minute without Him. Life with Him left behind is like "Lost", yes the television show. It's like you think you know where you're going but then before you know it, you've crashed on an island, with people you don't know and events that don't make sense and there's a black cloud that lurks the jungle, a polar bear and a French sniper all in the same place. Sorry if you have never seen "Lost" because then you wouldn't understand, but in short its bizarre and strange and all you wanna do is get back to home---Him.
The funny thing is, is that God can be bizarre. A year ago I wanted to travel the world and now the only place I can see myself right now is America and that's only because I live here. I'm switching my focus from the Middle East to Latin America and in the mean time I'm going to Thailand this summer. So the ironic thing in all of this is I am lost, with God. It's not exactly fun or comfortable. It's exciting at times and then other times I break down and cry wondering if I'm just completely missing my purpose with Him. Nevertheless, in this place I find His love. The love I hope to be a vessel of for the world, no matter what country I'm in or circumstance I come against. His love is worth more than life!His love has given me amazing friends, women who lead me. A beautiful family and a great guy. It's given me the knowledge to write papers and the push to end the semester well. The funds to go to Thailand, the job I'd been hoping for. His love gives me identity and affirmation. It gives me peace in the path I can't see, and the future I don't know. His love is all I need, it is more than enough for this moment and I can't miss a moment without Him.
Verses to Memorize: Romans 8:38-39; John 14:12-14; Isaiah 55:8-9
Nothing can sparate me from His love
Ask for anything in His name and He will do it!
His thoughts are above my thoughts and His plans above my plans!
-Ari
